God looks at the clean hands, not the full ones.
Today’s HOT LIST Link ( click the pretty blue link below to see today’s picks ):
$3,395,000.95
11616 S EQUESTRIAN TRL, Phoenix, AZ
“possibly the most desired lot in the community”
Aren’t they all?
“Hello, my name is Stanley Fosha, possibly the most desired Realtor in the entire country”. This word, “possibly”, grants the author the freedom to leap clear over the truth-in-advertising minefield and sprint through a literal fantasyland of imagination where anything, ANY-THING is…possible.
Welcome to Ahwatukee. The name “Ahwatukee” is an ancient Native American phrase meaning “me no pay Scottsdale Wampum”, as this 10,000 sq ft tribute to Spirographs demonstrates. Groovy designs! Super designs! You make ‘em all with the world-famous Spirograph….sorry, channeling my childhood. Whoa! Coffee. Slurp. Ahhh. Find your center.
There are two halves to Ahwatukee, the half that dies in a major traffic jam when the asteroid strikes, and the other half that lives outside one-way canyon within earshot of the freeway system. The latter is where you’ll find this Covenant of the Arcs. WARNING: The listing text suggests this property is suffering from “endless updates” , and for the purposes of this rundown we will ignore this costly eternal maintenance reference. This “home” was designed by a Commercial Architect. Thus, owners enjoy the structural integrity of a Presidential duck-and-cover bunker while living in a residence where occupants instinctively long for a shopping mall map kiosk to locate the Wetzel’s Pretzels and Victoria’s Secret locations. This commercial-esque creation exudes all the hominess of the Starship Enterprise bridge, with more hard textures than a Dresden interrogation room, forcing occupants to soften the edges with….more odd décor items than you’d find in Charlie Sheen’s nightstand.
ODDBALL INVENTORY: A vase with cucumbers on the outside, dueling Tin Man dil [censored] Doh! in the bar, and a Master bathtub with a bigger lip than JJ Walker sprinting into a sliding glass door, Above the fire hole we find HALF A FRIDA KAHLO!?! Half!!! C’mon man! This woman is known more for her yards long unibrow than her art, and you mowed half of it off!?!
[PLEASE STAND BY AS WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES WITH OUR WRITER]
Coffee. Slurp. Ahhh…..
$285,500 – $289,900
11820 N 75TH DR, Peoria, AZ
11814 N 75TH DR, Peoria, AZ
“*PROPERTY TO BE SOLD AS IS* “
Dear Stanley,
If a property is Listed “As-Is”, does this mean we cannot ask for repairs?
Au Contrariousness! In fact this means we will absolutely be asking for repairs with the contract! Nothing throws a negotiation into your favor better than unexpected requests. LOOK! OVER THERE! Distractions are a key element to successful negotiations as many pie, burger, DONUTS!, cat, antelope, hey nice necklace, is it Ambercrombie or Abercrombie, have you lost weight?
See? The technique works.
You may notice there are two addresses listed here. That’s because these two homes, which came onto market within minutes of each other, are planted next door to each other.
Bachelorette #1 has 3 bedrooms, 1.75 baths, enjoys 1,256 sq ft and is priced at $227 per sq ft.
Bachelorette #2 has 4 bedrooms, 2 FULL baths, employs 1,534 sq ft and is priced at $189 per sq ft.
Which do you think is the cheaper date? Every so often a house comes on market coincidentally alongside a neighboring property, and the neighborhood number wars begin. Grab some popcorn! PRICE FIGHT! However…This is not one of those times. These homes are both owned by the same Seller. They are Listed by the same Realtor. Somewhere in those dinner table conversations the idea to price one of these homes substantially lower than the other was born and agreed upon. Head meet hammer.
Can you guess which house will sell first?
$465,000
19041 N 37TH ST, Phoenix, AZ
“This spacious 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom house in North Paradise Valley”
Ahem.
The town of Paradise Valley’s northernmost boundary is found at Shea Boulevard and Tatum. That corner is five miles south of this home. This property comes back to market today after “Buyer could not perform”….so, what happened? Did the Buyer purchase a map?
This house is Hot List worthy because the price is delicious, the lot backs the neighborhood green space, and the condition doesn’t make me wish to light myself on fire. But it’s nowhere near Paradise Valley. Got that Dora? Paradise Valley Community College is two blocks away. Paradise Valley Community College is not in Paradise Valley either! I can’t let dishonesty board the Hot List train without calling it out. This house is in Phoenix. The taxes are Phoenix. The mailing address is Phoenix. There is nothing wrong with PHOENIX!
OK. Now I’m lying.
Similar sized homes in the neighborhood, not backing the green patch, have been fetching $500k-$550k lately, so this is a good deal, no matter the mailbox.
And away we go…
Look, this world is built on lies and greed. The Real Estate industry is a reflection of that circumstance. There are some lies so well-conceived you’d be a fool not to be deceived by them. This is marketing dynamics 101. People enjoy being deceived! Shaq made my pizza? Order another! A cartoon General AND a cartoon Gecko can save me money on car insurance!?! Sign me up! Bazillionaire Matthew McConaughey drives a Lincoln Aviator…for hours on end…talking to himself while rolling boogers…I WANT ONE! If fraud did not delight the soul then Hollywood would have gone out of business in year one. You can’t fool all of the people all of the time, but you can fool most of them MOST of the time, because being fooled is baked into our psyche. We eat the stuff up like a double stuffed crust.
I promise you there is at least one Real Estate agent reading this Hot List today who is just now learning that Paradise Valley Community College is NOT LOCATED IN PARADISE VALLEY. That’s guaranteed. This is a stupid world.
Don’t be stupid with it.
Thank you for attending my Ted Talk.
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