Every sock lost in a dryer, returns as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers
Today’s HOT LIST Link ( click the pretty blue link below to see today’s picks ):
$1,900,000
13221 N 17TH PL, Phoenix, AZ
“Dream Kitchen featuring a Long Island / Breakfast Bar”
A Long Island Breakfast Bar!?! So the countertop is perpetually stocked with fifteen overweight gals in stretch pants and big hair, downing bagels like Tic-Tacs, waving winged arms through a cloud of Aqua Net while complaining about traffic, tourists, and tanning spray stains as they double fist guzzle breakfast Bud Lights between intermittent Fran Drescher laugh cackles, the entire scene scented like a discontinued Mariah Carey perfume? That kind of Larng Ireland?
[clicks on Pictures]
Yep.
This lot is outstanding, and the architect did such a marvelous job of pointing every veranda and window at the spectacular view, you hardly notice the interior looks like a Jersey Shore casting room. An Olympic sized entry staircase, that makes Rome’s Spanish Steps look like a street curb, acts as a Jehovah’s Witnesses protection program. Don’t worry Pauly, there’s an elevator in the gayrage. That garage plays the part of parking place and a park, as there is a backyard resting up top on its roof for the optimal Oohs and Ahhs view quotient. The front yard features what appears to be His and Hers tee boxes…yet this house is not on the golf course. Hmmm. A couple of Long Island Iced Teas later, ya know, that tea you order when you’re unafraid of arrest, and magically the nearby golf course becomes “Close enough! I could hit dat. Wanna bet?”
$799,000
5313 E RANCHO DEL ORO DR, Cave Creek, AZ
“This 5 car home is perfect for the person who wants car storage”
To be clear, this is a 5 car ‘garage’ home, please don’t park in the dining room. This can also be a FIVE ACRE property, as the Seller owns all 5 acres surrounding this home. 1.58 Acres are being offered at this price, at this time. It doesn’t hurt to ask for the whole piece of dirt. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
$898,000
134 S DIAMOND KEY CT, Gilbert, AZ
“bathroom also in basement, might work for adult child still living at home”
That seems like a pretty specific requirement for getting a bathroom to work. “Mom, the toilet won’t flush, can Uncle Mike move back in?”. Take a good long gander at this near 6,000 sq ft WATERFRONT home, which enjoys a new roof and a new fleet of A/C units. The exterior was kind enough to place a Dad-bod blocker wall between the pool and the neighbor’s view. The home and yard still enjoy 180 degrees of Diamond Bay glisten and glimmer turtle bobbing moments. Inside we discover the latest in white wash oak technology, alongside appliances so ultra-modern they play 8 tracks and cassettes. Some updating may be necessary. However, if you grew up with Count Chocula, rectangular school pizzas, and can finish this sentence: “Here I go again on my own, going down the ___ ____ ___ ____ ______”, then you’ll be capable of operating this kitchen. Nice mullet, by the way.
Please turn in your Guides to PIC #46: The dry cleaner’s closet carousel. This motorized contraption allows you to display a rotating array of men’s suits, lounge wear, and lingerie to the cross bay neighbors. One can see the convenience of owning your own clothing ride, however it is unclear if this Rube Goldberg rotating ringworm is capable of losing 1-2 articles of clothing with each rotation as well as the professionals.
$1,495,000
15444 E SUNBURST DR, Fountain Hills, AZ
“approved scope of work is now reflected in the price.”
This price just dropped by $100k. What was approved? Less house?
Confession: This home made the Hot List because the backyard looked like a M.C. Escher sketch. I giggled. Click. This is the science.
Imagine a cocktail mixed from every HGTV reveal episode you’ve EVER watched. Into the tumbler goes two parts Chip and Joanna, equal parts Property Brothers, a pinch of Ben and Erin, dash of Martha Stewart, shake it, stir it, Love and List it….VOILA!
You get this raging inferno of the hottest design trends, a Wagon Queen Family Truckster of home design. The gang’s all here; ship lap, barn door, farm sink, open shelves, doorless shower, iTub, pocket door, monochrome texture, unstained glass, closet desk, waterfall counter, slow close, fast set, wire rail, BIG ASS FAN, five piece furniture staging, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, on a wood like floor substance bun. It’s like inviting all your gay friends over to watch the Academy Awards, but it’s a trick, we’re watching the Superbowl!
We’re not saying it works.
WEEKEND TRAFFIC – HURRY UP AND WAIT
Westbound Loop 101 – CLOSED – Princess to Tatum. Exit at Frank Lloyd Wright, go to Twin Peaks, wait it out.
Eastbound I-10 – CLOSED – 99th Ave to 75th Ave. Remember to lock all doors when exiting the freeway here.
Eastbound US-60 – CLOSED – Loop 202 east to Goldfield. No worries, the Renaissance Festival isn’t until February.
Southbound I-17 – CLOSED – I-10 to Ahwatukee – AVOID THIS FREEWAY, Just…always…
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