Some ideas are so stupid that only intellectuals can believe them.
Today’s HOT LIST Link ( click the pretty gold link below to see today’s picks ):
*We’ve secretly replaced the latter contents of today’s Hot List with a collection of Billionaire quality beauties, so sit back, relax, fix yourself a big bowl of Beluga flakes smothered in Dom Perignon, and prepare to feed your eyeballs a delicious blend of amazement, wonder, and Extreme flavored jealousy!
$15,595,000.95
5315 N WILKINSON RD, Paradise Valley, AZ
“arguably the most magnificent home in Paradise Valley! “
C’mon man, show some confidence, we’ve seen jellyfish with stronger spines. “Arguably”? Look, I’m “arguably” more attractive than Pierce Brosnan. Trust me, that’s a losing argument. However, it IS an argument! The word “Arguably” is a literal cop out. A sentence safety baby barrier with a back door and firepole escape clause. Sorry Satan. Not here. Not today. We live in a world filled with words, and those words have to be guarded by statements with actual meaning and heart felt conviction. This is our responsibility to each other. Society at large has the luxury of accepting nonsense statements because nobody has time to stop and think things through. Therefore “Protect the vaccinated from the unvaccinated by vaccinating everyone, uh, because the vaccine works so well!”, gets accepted at facemask value. The absurd math foundation is slain by emotional head nodding in the rush to just get by….arguably.
Not on this Hot List Baby! We’re bringing sexy back. Presenting words with meaning:
THIS IS THE MOST MAGNIFICENT HOME IN PARADISE VALLEY.
BOOM! There. Somebody had to say it. It’s True.
Six en-suite bedrooms, each large enough for visitor parking, and each uniquely designed with inimitably distinguished flair to help guests determine their precise GPS location within the 2.24 Acre grounds. “I’m in the subway tile bathroom, so…head west!” ELEVEN bathrooms, each with bathroom attendant’s quarters, or are those “Buttlers”? Dining room suitable for seating fifty people, with a second dining room for overflow, and a third dining room on the patio for those guests you had to invite but don’t really wish to converse with. Elevator, game room, World’s Gym, 7 Chariot Motor Court, Foosball, even ping pong for the blind! You never have to leave the house, and judging by the distances involved, you’ll be too exhausted to do so. That master bathtub is chauffeur distance from the bedroom. I got winded looking at it. Be careful.
Outside enjoy tennis, basketball, dueling trampolines, batting cage, and a pool that could play centerfold in Condé Nast. The “Pool Cabana”, from its Jeffersonian barrel vault ceilings to its museum quality parquet floors, is larger and nicer than the house you are sitting in right now. (Know your audience.) Multiple verandas litter the grounds offering views of the pool, the palms, and the 720 hoop croquet field. The air tastes like honey, the water cures cancer, even the toilet paper is genuine chinchilla. This is the most magnificent home in Paradise Valley.
No it’s not.
Yes it is!
NO!
YES. IT. IS!
Ok…arguably.
$1,250,000
1 E LEXINGTON AVE 1603, Phoenix, AZ
“UNICORN ALERT!”
There are four penthouses at 1 E Lexington, and THIS IS THE MOST MAGNIFICENT PENTHOUSE OF THEM ALL! Why? Lexington provides four two-story Penthouses featuring 20 foot ceilings, with corners wrapped in 20 feet of glass. Let’s meet our corner contestants:
South-West Corner: The evening view cascades straight down Central Ave to the lights of downtown Phoenix. The daytime’s southern blasting nuclear sky explosion makes this hot property an Easy Bake oven.
South-East Corner: Memorize Sky Harbor’s flight traffic while farming melanoma in the ‘other’ solar furnace the architect didn’t plan for
North-West Corner: Shaded north side location. Yay! Views of Sunnyslope and Glendale. Awww. Enough said.
North-East Corner: Squaw Peak over there, the Biltmore, Camelback right there, Papago over there, and if you squint with Steve Austin’s bionic eye you can see Tucson.
This North-East unit provides the best view in the building, and…ahem…ARGUABLY…the entire Central corridor. We recognize this Executive style of living is not for everyone. But if you happen to be a billionaire philanthropist playboy who enjoys fast cars, cave spelunking, and fighting crime at night in costume, this is as good as you are going to find.
*Rosie O’Donnell statue available on separate Bill of Sale.
$6,000,000
10019 N 57TH ST, Paradise Valley, AZ
“natural finishes like blocks, exposed metal beams, or glass”
Thanks Greenpeace. Can we assume the all-natural blocks, metal beams, and glass were ‘organically’ grown? Welcome to Legoland, the architectural equivalent of the egg crate challenge, featuring more right angles than a Sean Hannity diatribe and all the homey charm of a Guantanamo Bay interrogation room. I spent twenty five years in the Architectural Design Industry, leaving in 2005 just as this Inside-the-Box style of computer generated modeling was swallowing the mainstream. The shortest distance between two points is simplicity. I understand the appeal of this cargo container meets Scandinavian tool shed style. I do. A home that looks like a Voltron Lion robot resting in a Dresden prison yard has a distinct appeal.
I hail from the final generation of pencil in hand drawing designers. We spent the 90’s transitioning our company from drafting board to computer screen. As one of the earliest pioneer adopters of Computer Aided Drawing, and a ten year Autodesk Instructor, this style of design is a reminder that streamlining the path forward often means stripping off the layers that mattered most. Video killed the styling stars.
Something was lost when we tossed the Pentels and straightedge overboard to mount the information superhighway system. It appears this home was first contemplated with Sketch-up, then brought to finished design with Revit. The manner by which those programs function in the creative realm dictates, in multiple ways, the end design result. If you’ve ever noticed a monotonous, dare I say generic, look to modern architecture, you can blame the CAD programs underwriting their assembly. One of the challenges I faced as a CAD instructor was taking my students, all of whom were experienced hand draftsmen, architects, engineers, artistic geniuses, on a learning journey that exchanged their mental magic for a digital dictatorship. My job was lassoing their creativity, wrestling it to the ground, and force feeding the CAD structure of commands and pixels down their throats until they stopped wiggling.
This six million dollar man-sion looks like it fell out of a video game, because it did. The all-natural artificial grass, farm fresh exposed steel beams, and bioengineered sustainable plexiglass staircase add an intoxicating element of hard-core nature to the frame. Is that free range concrete I spy? They say less is more. I don’t know about that. When we’re talking about soul, less is less.
Damn, that got dark! YOU MUST WATCH THE VIDEO!!! It appears the listing agent could throw me into the next universe, or toss a moon at my head, so if you don’t hear from me next week, you’ll know someone read this review to him. Mongo no like Lego comments.
By the way, that blue corkscrew sculpture on the dining room table is a Muniz. David Muniz is a Hot List subscriber. Hi Dave!
Here’s your pitch: https://munizplastics.com/ .
WEEKEND TRAFFIC SCREAM DREAMS
Eastbound I-10: CLOSED! Avondale to 99th Ave. Stay home Buckeye!
Eastbound I-17: CLOSED! 19th Ave to Durango. Just avoid the I-17 curve alogether this weekend. The surface streets in that area are Chicago Style.
Westbound I-10: CLOSED! I-17 split to 7th Ave. Think about that if you’re hitting downtown Phoenix this weekend. There is no way out but surface streets.
Westbound 101: CLOSED! 56th St to the 51. Take Tatum to Union Hills if you need to board the 51.
Eastbound 202: CLOSED! Van Buren to McClintock. You can bypass this by taking McDowell through the Rez.
That’s a busy map. The weekend after a Holiday off is ADOT’s opportunity to remind you who controls your travel patterns.
But you’re ungovernable.
Ha ha!
We’ll show them!
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