Stressed spelled backwards is Desserts. It’s THAT week!
Today’s HOT LIST Link ( click the pretty blue link below to see today’s picks ):
$4,975,000
22471 N 89TH ST N, Scottsdale, AZ
“Enter the keyless port e cochere”
They already lost the keys!?! The oft abused term Porte-cochère comes to us from late 17th century France (poverty, uprisings, snail cakes, war!), it literally means ‘coach gateway’; an open covered passageway to a building or courtyard through which vehicles can enter from the street. This 2019 North Scottsdale stone and steel sanctuary has a vehicle driveway so long it can be measured by your gas gauge, but unless you pilot that Porsche onto the porch, there is no Porte-cochère. There’s a front door that opens to a courtyard.
That courtyard is magnificence squared, a glorious intersection of patios, pools, and plants that marries three living space buildings to the indoor surrounded outdoors. Beauty comes from within, thus the home is littered with floor to ceiling glass bleeding courtyard views into most every room. Look within, they said. Whether you seek inner strength or inner peace, this property has more jaw dropping inward views than a colonoscopy on a Jumbotron…Unless you take a bath.
The bathtub is framed atrium fibrillation style, meaning you stand buck naked, sandwiched between glass panes like a microscope slide, while the neighbors clutch their chest for a pulse check. Clearly, this place requires a strict diet.
$420,000
12362 W HIGHLAND AVE, Avondale, AZ
“Super large home with 7 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms”
Look! Up in the sky! It’s cheap! It’s a mess! IT’S SUPER LARGE!!!
The photographer ran through this disaster scene so fast they left dust silhouettes. The interior looks like the aftermath of an 8.5 quake, or a day spent in a Yahtzee tumbler, did they roll this house down a cliff? In the “Private Remarks”, that I am NOT telling you, it might say “The current owner has a hoarding situation”. The “situation” isn’t what you’re buying here at $107 per ft, unless you are an “obtainer of rare antiquities”, a bona fide connoisseur of Betamax, 80’s era torchiere lighting, and Franklin Mint collectibles. In that case bring a truck! Or ten.
I find em. You clean em. That’s our deal.
When purchasing a house of this…ahem…caliber, it’s wise to ask the Hard Question right up front, “How much time will it take them to move out?”. Prepare to be hard hearted with the hoard hearted, as we have encountered this “situation” many, many, many times before and it can be mentally impossible for some folks to part with their Sanford and Son supply chain stuff. This is a great price because there is a great task at hand. Items that have not moved in ten years rarely move in ten days. Be smart. Attack the obvious issue in the offer. Ask the hard question and write in a post-possession incentive for the Seller to exit with ALL of their items….or the next episode of Hoarders stars you.
This has been a message from past mistakes.
$585,000
10708 N 113TH ST, Scottsdale, AZ
“high ceilings and cozy backyard with a sparkling pebble tech pool and a private front entry”
I like cooking dogs and kids! Commas, what do they do? (This home’s private front entry is probably not located in the cozy backyard)
We’d like to take a moment to welcome Scottsdale affordability back to the Hot List. Long time, no see old chum! Keen eyed observers will find three Scottsdale properties on today’s Hot List, priced at $225 per ft or below. Three at last! Three at last!
This empty Scottsdale home has been “virtually staged”, thus the orange, peach, and teal furnishings you see are a computer’s interpretation of style and comfort, or the machine simply assumed we are color blind. Our Tech Overlords have determined it’s virtually impossible for we mortal humans to imagine a couch sitting in an empty space. They must show us cartoons. Virtual Staging programs let users upload real pictures of real empty rooms, then use a library of pre-built fake furnishings, in a spectrum of retina searing shades, that one can point, click, rotate, and slide all across their iPad’s smudgy screen. Digital dollhouse delights! Let’s see the results:
Pic #12: The kitchen library. Here the Hal 9000 algorithm shows us what human life would look like if we were on a citrus only diet, picked off bargain bar stools at Big Lots, and read renowned literary works titled “Animals”, “Bears”, “Horse”, “Dog”, and “Elephant”. And now a word from our sponsor, Mutual of Omaha.
The HORSE novel is twice the thickness of the DOG tome, which seems virtually impossible. Do they fill out the job applications in crayon or chalk over at Virtual Staging HQ?
B: These virtual books need labels!
A: I’m on it Boss!
B: And give this interior some splashes of color
A: Any preferences?
B: Go Dolphins!
A: Hmm, that would make for an interesting book.
There won’t be a lockbox on this house until tomorrow, as the Listing Agent is either without a calendar or without a family. This price tag will draw a crowd, prepare for a fight, Let’s Move!
BARNABY JONES EPILOGUE:
I want to thank all the new Hot List subscribers who made it this far. What the Hell just happened? We can’t explain the Hot List, nobody tries, it just happens. A list of the Best Deals in Valley Real Estate, drenched in utter nonsense. Treat it like a newfound back mole. Monitor it for five days. If it’s bothering you after that, we’ll remove it. Thank you for playing.
Now let’s go meet the week!…all two days of it…
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